Misery Loves Companion

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My days had been filled with so much stress lately. Rick and I are at the point in our lives where we have to make a decision in what to do with our future. In four more months, he can officially retire. But he doesn't know if he can last that long at his current job. Government funding is really limited and his resources is running low. He's tired of looking for grants day in and day out. Having a democratic president means that funding for environmental projects will be good again. But even if Obama won, CHANGE wont start happening anytime soon. I think it will be too late for Rick when it does.

Another dilemma we are facing is the health care. He gets his health insurance through work, right now, therefore not working means no health insurance. Not having health insurance in this country is a definite no no. You will be buried in debt if you don't have one. There are government programs, but it is for families with low income. We wont qualify even if we are just getting his pension money each month. A possibility we are considering is moving to the Philippines. Health care is affordable there, but I am not too sure if they are reliable. He had an emergency appendectomy the last time he visited me in the Philippines. A local doctor told him it's just constipation and prescribed him a laxative. He didn't get better overnight, so we decided to go to a bigger hospital. Well, turned out his appendix is about ready to rupture! That's why I am a little apprehensive about the idea of moving there for good.

Retirement and health care. That's basically the topic of our conversation nowadays. We mostly end up arguing and me getting upset. He is a very realistic person while I live in the "lala" land. I love shortcuts and quick fixes. He likes to dissect every idea to the core and always manages to find a flaw. While I drift into my wonderful world of fantasy, he always manages to pull me back to reality with a big thud! The eternal optimist in me hates it. But I have to agree, we have to be realistic sometimes. Friends had shared their ideas too and we are very thankful for the input. We would love to stay here and we will exhaust every possibility to make that happen.

Oh, if only life was easier then we don't have to argue or be crabby at work. I don't like sharing my misery. But the stress is sometimes too much to handle. We will have to decide and hopefully whatever we come up with, is the right choice. I leave it all in God's hands... Being a grown-up is really hard. I am not used to the thought of being responsible. I have always been dependent on my family. But now I have to stand on my own two feet and use my own mind. I know I have Rick and I can rely on him. But we have to make the decisions together. He likes it when I get involved. Therefore, he relies on me too to make decisions for us. I never had anybody rely on me before. Now, I have to grow up, suck it up and stop complaining. This is life!

So enjoy your youth while you can. Take advantage of the opportunity that is being given to you. Life gets harder as years go by... Carpe Diem!

Catching Up

the view from my hotel room window

It has been a very stressful couple of weeks for me. Too much catching up to do after our hospital trip. Last week, I had to spend a couple nights at a hotel while Rick was in the hospital healing from a procedure done in his heart. The doctors had found a 70% blockage in one of his arteries. They had to put a stent in right away to prevent further damage. Everything went fine and he is home now, back to work and slowly trying to make his routine back to normal again. He's suppose to take it easy for a week or two. So far, he is good as new!

I was planning to write a post while I was in the hotel by myself. But I decided not to. Well, to be honest, I couldn't. The uncertainty of Rick's condition made me miserable. I didn't want to think or have time to think. The morning before Rick left for the hospital, he woke me up to say goodbye. It was not even six o'clock yet. He asked me if I know where his will is. He told me to inform his office that way I can get his life insurance. I was wide awake by then. Teary eyed and accusing him of being stupid. I told him he's not allowed to die! I know he was not joking and was just being realistic. But I don't want to deal with something so depressing, unless I have to. I'll worry about it when it happens. It was not fair of him to discuss such a thing with me, hours before they start poking around his heart! It felt like his last goodbye!

I was too upset/worried to go back to sleep after he left. Tossed in bed and finally decided to go back to my reading. For two nights I buried myself in the mythical world of Twilight. Pretending that the love of my life was invincible and immortal just like the character in the book. I know that's impossible. But sometimes it's nice to escape reality. Although sometimes, I caught myself just staring at the page and thinking about Rick. The thought of losing him was too scary to deal with. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. But right now, he is fine and here with me. That is more important than tomorrow.

So we are back home now. Busy catching up with work. Busy with chores at home. We have decided to change our lifestyle. Start reading labels and eat healthy. Stay away from red meat, fat and sodium. This is not a battle to lose weight anymore. It's about living and enjoying life. And for us to be together forever... I have to join him in his quest to stay healthy and live longer!